Monday, January 7, 2008

unexpected twists and anxiety attacks
Listening to:
Take You There - Sean Kingston
3rd Measurement in C - Saosin
Bulimic - The Used
Slither - Velvet Revolver
Lunacy Fringe - The Used
Outta My Way - Damone
...ang dami. It's on shuffle, and I wasn't taking note of the songs cause I was busy baring my feelings here, for God's sake. WHAT?

Watching? was watching Grey's Anatomy a while ago, then I found out that I saw the episode already...the one where the girl is both...well boy and girl. She didn't find this out until her teen years, causing a dilemma and identity-crisis within her. I loved this episode because George was the freaking hero. :))

i really was supposed to talk about how my life can be mapped up with music. but i guess everything can't stay inside.

please read. i like this post. i know that's really narcissistic, but i really like it. it's like...vicky's soul...revealed! hahah wtf.


I don't understand why it's so freaking hard to keep things to myself. It's not that I feel the need to express my opinions on everything...even if it may seem so [that I express all my opinions], believe me, if I expressed all the time, I'd be the one getting the hate mails. I'd rather keep quiet sometimes, but those things regard things that are relatively trivial to me.

But like-related things? (like talaga, hindi love. tsk.)

Trust me to have a difficult time keeping things inside.

I should have known this would happen ever since the I-slept-but-woke-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-staring-at-the-ceiling-thinking-of-somebody thing.

Grabe, it's so easy to wonder, to think about things, to plan. But when the real deal happens, you're just lost in time, in space, in the moment. You forget what you're supposed to do because your brain shuts out. You can't breathe, everything is turning around you, you're dizzy, and thinking, "This is bs. This is so freaking surreal."

And here I am,thinking that the those things only happen to the poets, to the singers, to the people who really are in love. Y'know, the OMG I can't breathe, my heart is beating its way outta my damned chest, the world is circling around me. I need air, I need to grasp on to something. I need somebody to tell me this isn't real. (Hahahah parang kanta) I guess it also happens to people in like.

Nangyayari pala talaga yun. I thought it was some sort of metaphoric, hyperbole thing going on. It really does happen, and it's quite funny, thinking of it right now.

Pero in the end? Kahit halos mamatay ka sa kaba, sa kawalan ng hangin...kahit pakiramdam mo malulunod ka na sa kawalan...

Masarap yung pakiramdam. When the unexpected happens (the good unexpected things, of course), it could be one of the greatest feelings in the whole wide universe. I highly recommend it. It could have you grinning for a week or so. In fact, I can swear by it that every time you remember the memory, no matter how painful, it will always make you smile (kahit humahagulgol ka na. pero hindi pa naman nangyayari sakin yun)

Sa una, masarap yung pakiramdam. But as everyone experienced enough, you'd better expect atleast something itsybitsyteenyweeny(yellowpolkadotbikini...nge.) bad to happen.

Here comes...tentenenen!!! Anxiety attack!!!

The complete opposite of the Unexpected feeling. It leaves you with a sharp stab in the chest, leaving you sleepless and drowning--not with glee and joy,mind you--but with buckets of your tears that seem to have streamed their way out of the corners of your eyes. Ikaw naman parang... Oy, san nanggaling yun? Yihee, in denial. Of course you know where it comes from.

The Anxiety Attack may want you to do the blade maneuver, where you reach out for the blade and you slash your skin, just to eliminate the pain and to actually trick your mind into thinking that it's okay, or whatever, that the pain is not there. If you do this, please please stop. Not only do you hurt yourself, but you, subconsciously, hurt other people as well.

The Anxiety Attack might render you restless and hopeless, amongst the bowls of ice cream, sweets and KFC HotShots and Clover Chips... (hindi pa naman to nangyayari sakin, pero ito ang mga food of choice ko, IF EVER that I want to binge eat.)

Or, in my case, the AA (ang haba na ng Anxiety Attack eh.) leaves you... feeling alone, even if you really aren't. You're just alone because you're letting yourself be alone, I later on realized. But still, I have the nagging feeling na unti-unti na akong nagiging bato. Alam mo yun, quite a lot like overexposed bread? When bread is left out on the air for a long time, it becomes hard...really hard. It scares me that someday, it might render me numb. But I think I'd always rather feel pain than be numb. Pain makes me more of a human. Anyways, pain is always there, for people to experience, for people to learn from. I may hate the pain while going through it, pero it's better than not feeling anything. 'Cause when some parts of you become guarded, you build a wall around you, and God knows what will happen. Quite a lot like those issues with Dr. Phil and Oprah and Tyra. When you build a damn wall, you lose opportunities. Opportunities to meet people, to do extraordinary things.

I don't want to be locked, guarded within a wall. I always loved that about being trusting...quite an open-book. While not overly so, I am always ready to share my life to someone else out there who cares.

Atleast I'm rational enough to bounce back from my anxiety attacks.

But the What Ifs... are really dangerous. What if it just happened? A freaking coinkydink (coincidence)?? What if this and that? Usually, the what ifs leave me helpless, screaming at random people (hi nicole), my brain just pounding, thinking too fast, once again the heart-being stabbed-thing happening.

I mean, for a while, it's okay not to care, it's okay to dismiss the problems. But when it's something na for reals, it'll come back to you, and you're forced to think about it, just because you really need to. To sort things out.

You can't hide from everything.

It's really really ironic and quite funny when sometimes, what we're hiding from is the one within us.

You can't run away from that.


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