Sunday, June 29, 2008

2:11 am

I was planning to take a morning jog and then trek of to the church for the earliest mass.

Obviously, hindi ko na magagawa yun.

Ay what the hell. HAHAH.


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Thursday, June 26, 2008

dot. dot. dot. dots are what i need.
How do you do it, make me feel like I do? How do you do it, it's better than I ever knew.

Yep. Stellar padin.

But now listening to:
Someday We'll Know - New Radicals

One point in my kid-dom, this was my favorite song.

* * *

I knew there was something wrong with this day the moment I woke up.

It wasn't bright and shiny. I tried thinking of the faces that will soon greet me in school later on. Perked up a little bit, pero wala padin eh.

I just felt like something was wrong. Something was missing.

On the way to school, I kept on changing the songs in my iPod. Which is uncommon, because I usually finish the song before changing to the next track. Ngayon wala pang kalahati kroo na kagad. It just felt different.

The feeling became stronger during the first period. CVE time. I couldn't think properly. And then the feeling grew when Alphonse (my seatmate) and Menandro started talking about YFC and all these religious things.

Fine. I'll burn in hell someday. But it just made me feel all the more uncomfortable. That Big Dude Up There and I are going on in a rough patch. Must fix it. Must. Fix. It.

The day drifted by. OK naman somehow. Alam mo yun. The feeling just disappeared because it was covered by all the laughing and the noise.

Word of the day: billet-doux.

Come Trigo time... Ayun na. Bumalik nanaman siya. I was just spacing out and stuff, EVEN IF I knew the lesson already. It was one of the few things that I got during my MSA days. Props to Sir J. HAHA.

Dismissal time. Wala na. Space. Out.

I am anxious. What could this be about?

* * *

On the contrary though. I know what I'm feeling. But I don't know for certain why I'm feeling that way.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm confused. I am hurt.

I'm confused. And really hurt.

I'm scared because this whole thing that I'm dealing with may never end. May never have a period. Puro comma. Walang period. Kahit exclamation point tatanggapin ko.

And then the other thing. If I leave, the feeling follows me. When I'm there, I lose all interest.

What is wrong with me?


Is there no way to hide how I feel? Or no way to show how I feel?

We are free in this world.

But hell man. I don't even know what I'm doing with my freedom.

Too much happened. Time to go. Time to move on. Pero ang hirap eh. You can't work on things alone.

That's it. I need farreaking closure.



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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Listening to:
Stellar - Incubus

arrowwhat i like the most about Incubus is at first, for me ha, they sound so all-over the place and generally maingay. but then after a while, after your first dose of an Incubus song, you find it perennially STUCK in your brain. and then you grow to love it. :)


Oh my. I'm a freaking sucker who just went down the ranks.


Look at my layout. It's so bright and shiny, it tires me. I'm getting sick of it. I need a nice and quiet layout. Something white. I can totally see it now.

I'm tired of my bright and shiny self.

All day, I go along bright and shiny. When I retire, I wish to be quiet. Meditative. Introspective.

Or just plain NOT bright and shiny.biggrin
I feel like barfing everytime I think of the green-ness of it all.

I'm not saying it's an ugly layout. By God, it's a gorgeous layout. What I'm saying is... well, I'm not saying that the layout is not me. It's just that I want a conclave that's different from the usual me.

Oh no. Pano na yung plano ko ng white and orange na room?

Might have to rethink things.


When will I ever have time to do the things that I used to love? As in real time, big time.

My sister has been working here, as always, on over time. What, driven by her addiction and admiration for Haley Williams and Paramore? (Ironically, I do find myself singing Paramore again these days. wink)

And then the laptop... Well the laptop was never enough. There's something with its battery AND changer. It has 1GB space left. That's one USB space for you. I can't install Photoshop. Is there any possibility that I can make stuff there? No. It's not mine eh. I'm a stickler for those things.

Haaay. I wish I could have my MacBook. hooo. I dreamt of it one time, you know. *Sigh* rolleyes


Wow. Long Tests na in a few days. I can't believe it. 3 weeks of school and phoosh. LT kagad! I haven't learned ANYTHING yet. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But you know, the stuff that I've learned hasn't sunk in yet. Besides Functions and Relations, and how much my brain didn't work during those Trigo sessions at MSA. lol

What can I say, I'm a self-confessed geek. Once a geek, always a geek.

And I've said that Geek is Chic, yes?

Ok. It's 10 na. I have to go. HAHA.


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Sunday, June 22, 2008

bored people do stupid things. like fall in love.
Listening to:
Kim Chiu, Sam Milby and Gerald Anderson postively murder and positively murdered ballad called "When You Look Me In The Eyes".

Ang baba ng standards ng mga Pilipino.

But then. That's what makes the masses happy. :-))

And I'm not listening to it by choice, geddamit. I'm in the living room, and the yayas took over the remote.

I feel like I'm being slowly choked to death. HAHAH.





I can talk about so much things. And then I can talk about nothing. It's been a full week since I last updated. :)

2nd week of school?

Much fun already. I've already gotten to know most of my classmates and have actually made friends na. And then there were some more.

Yiheeeeeeeeee. HAHAHA.


I feel like moving out.

Moving on to a different URL, and perhaps with a layout that is mine. Only something I made can reflect who I really am. The essence of the multi-faceted moi. Okay. Hindi maganda yung multi-faceted. But you know. I do have different sides and dimensions and personalities.

Now I look like a schizophrenic.



I am wearing a mask.

Does that make me a hypocrite? Yes.

I don't mind being a hypocrite. Atleast I am decent enough to admit to myself that I'M PRETENDING.

Pretending to be???

Numb. Normal.


There'll be a time when I'll reach the breaking point because I can't take the hurt the world has given me.


All this emo-ness is rain-induced. That's why I've taken such abhorrence for rain. I can't wake up and say "it's a beautiful day" because the rain and the dark clouds are covering everything! I can't get up kagad and start my day kasi it's raining and I would rather stay in bed.

I used to love the rain.

But now I don't.

Rain doubles the pain.

Rain makes me miss things I shouldn't be missing.


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Sunday, June 15, 2008

1 week down.
A hundred more to go.

The first week of school is done. Weeeeelll. What do I think?

Well the first few days were kind of awkward for me. Although I'll say I'm probably very lucky with my section right now, since I have old friends with me, pero I get the privilege to meet new ones din. 32 is quite a lot of fun, still in the getting-to-know stage, and I must say...them boys keep me laughing the whole time. :-)) During break time I always have stories to tell to my non-classmate friends, although minsan they don't quite come out as funny when I tell them. LOL.

Pero siyempre. There's this sense of alienation padin. Well not really alienation, but more of home-sickness. Most of my friends, I've been classmates with since gradeschool. Although some, since 1st year lang, there's still this "awww shucks i miss them" vibes. Sometimes when I have this joke, I have no one to share it with. Poof, ako nalang magisa tatawa. And then it doesn't help na aisle seat ako, which means I virtually have one seatmate. Unless I want to amble waaay beside the aisle to chat up my other seatmate... who doesn't look very chattable anyway. So why risk getting caught by the teacher?

There was one day I was exaggeratingly close to tears because I missed my old friends in the room.

Drama days. Nothing very serious.

The teachers. Oh, the teachers I have nought to complain about. Although I wouldn't mind having this certain Mr. Abarquez that they always talk about. I get realllly envious, I just ask some of them to keep quiet. :-))

But my teachers, oh my teachers are great. :-))

What else.

Well... I know my classmates won't believe me, pero I feel so freaking quiet when I resume to my seat. Eh kasi dati ang sabog ko sa classroom eh. Alam mo yun. I just shout whatever side comment I have or whatever. Dito hindi eh. Although I make it a point to make kulit to the people around me padin. HAHA. Wala lang, para masaya.

Whuuuuut else.

Yun lang po. Bow.


Will be returning your tags and comments sooooon. :))


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Monday, June 9, 2008

last of summer.
An appropriately named post, since I started the summer with a "First of Summer" post.


This summer was good. One of the best that I've had, actually. I FELT like I've grown up and started realizing things that were just..."pare, bakit ko ginawa yun?" Of course, I am repentant and serving penance, which is a lifetime of guilt.

But at the same time, I came to realize my old, younger self, that reflected with the kids that surrounded me the whole time.

Somehow, at some point, I realized that being with kids is a breath of fresh air. They say it out loud, the way they see things, and when they like you...well they really like you. :-)) Kids don't have so much chiao chiao, you know, so much arte in their katawan! No backstabbing, no! Which is the whole point of being a kid anyway. You laugh, you cry, you shriek, you blech with them. I'm telling you, everyone should get their dose of kid therapy once ina while. It's nice to lose yourself with kids sometimes.

There's always this part of myself that will be attached to kids. Especially the kids who marked my summer. From the Futbol fanatics-- Carla, Bianca, Dani, Enrique, Nicolo, the other Nicolo, the Urbandub dude, Joshua (was there a joshua? there's always a joshua.)...and all the rest whose names I forgot from memory but I will remember the moment I see your faces, to the Kooking Kids -- Kanna, Sofia, Gia, Dane, Tabea, Gabe, Regina and Patricia, and to the ones who made my dreary number-counting days a bit brighter, the MSA kids -- Niño, Tantan, Mikee and Tristhian...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :-)


And of course, how else will summer be without the infamous house renovation?

Well an update.

They haven't touched the main house yet, which they're planning to extend. The CRs, atleast. We're going to have our own rooms someday, with custom-made cabinets. That's what you get with a grandfather who was his own big toys for bigger boys (I swear, he could buy out the whole Hardware store if he had the money). And still no certain concept for my future room.

They're almost done with the second unit at the back, which is going to be the maid's quarter at the top, and the guest room at the bottom. The guest room is at the bottom since if and when Lolo drops by, he doesn't have to go all the way up the stairs for some good rest or whatever. Almost done, being the construction. The tiles, the toilets, everything else is not yet there.

What else.

Well our house looks like a dreary mess from outside, but no pain, no gain people. I know that out of the hot mess will come a really nice, comfortable house that my mum has always dreamed of.

Well. I'll be putting in pictures if the house gets finished. No wait. WHEN the house gets finished. :-))


To my friends, who I have not lost connection with throughout the WHOLE summer! Angeli, Angelique, Barbie and Hazel...thank you for keeping me sane.

To Lia and to Princess, for opening doors of opportunities (Naaaaks.)

And to my own special friend Rainbelle (it's actually spelled Reigne Belle but I don't care. HAHA. Rainbelle is so much more pixie-like! which matches her new haircut), who's staying at the house with us and is a relative of mine. She's very makulit and such a couch hog, but now she's a renewed little five year-old, since we've practically hidden the electric outlet so she won't watch TV so often! :-) She has learned to say "sorry" and has become more polite and sweet and on the way, she became close to my heart na din.

To Bianca also, Hazel's niece or relative of some sort, for making me realize how good I can be with kids. And Bianca's mum, Ate Eunell, for being so cool and letting me have a good time.

To my grandfather, for being such a good conversationalist. ;-) oy, PROUD ako diyan. He wears Canvass-colored Chucks. O DIBA? Cool yan, pare.

To MY NEIGHBORS! How could I almost forget! I know we'd be moving on with our lives, pero siyempre, there's always STARBUCKS and Boxing. Such a great summer with you three (which includes my younger sister) and our honorary member, Jet. HAHAH.

Thank you, thank you thank you everybody!!!


I'm a few minutes shy from the very first day of my schoolyear. I'm nervous still, I don't know why.

Time to put the class vibes to the test. :-))


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them boys.
Listening to:


This one's from the Sex and the City Soundtrack.

Oooooh I love the chorus part!

I haven't been one for labels, but I love this song. :-))

"Love's like a runway, but which one do I love more?"

7 play counts since added to iTunes. Hoy. Ang dami nun, considering that I added it up a few minutes ago. HAHA.

I give this song a week before I get sick of it.


because I AM HAPPY. :)

ang dami kong issues today, i owe it to myself, practically. and it's the LAST FREAKING DAY OF SUMMER. sin, cos, tan, cot, sec, csc HERE I COME HAHAHAHAH.

props to ViewImages

click for the bigger picture.

Georgie Henley aka Queen Lucy looks reeaaal nice in here. and Queen Susan even. Pero siyempre Skandar Keynes and Ben Barnes TOPPPSSSSS. King Peter? Wag ka na. I'm sorry. AHHAAHHAHAHA. Hey, atleast gumwapo si King Edmund! Helllooo.

I love them boys.

I never thought I would love again.


Ako pa.

I'm a starry-eyed, boy-crazed girl. Which makes me normal. Indeed.

The thing that makes me different is my taste. Grabe. I'm so picky with boys. HAHAHA. Sometimes the ones that I like, you won't even understand what I see in them. Although I've made good and agreeable choices over the years ha. LOL. Either that, or I can easily brainwash my friends.

I'm just happy to find someone I can GUSH about you know? HAHAHA. I've been real picky with boys of late, and I can't find someone who makes me go "AAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!" in a LONG TIME. Yung isa... nako, wala na siya. huhu, goodbye. :-))

Haaaaaaang gwapo talaga. HAAAY. :))


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Friday, June 6, 2008

turning japanese.
JackTV. Paiba-iba eh.


My face is a few inches away from the TV.

I will not care to explain.


This day has been so full of inspiration, it's crazy. It's like the whole universe is doing this entirely cosmic thing for making up with the terrible day I had yesterday. Thinking of it... well it wasn't entirely terrible, it was actually a whole lot better than I thought. Although ang INIT HA! I have been so used to the aircon pumped out everywhere I go, I totally forgot the fact that...well, mainit sa school. :-))

Back to inspiration.

Well earlier today I talked to MuyMuy, the famous neighbor/childhood friend (Ate Monica) who I frequently talk about to my friends. Well we did not really talk, we actually SMSed. Grabe, she's so freaking good, she gave the BEST advice anyone could give on this certain problem. It's not the type na...cryptic or anything, it's just straight out advice. I love it. :-))

And then later on, at about 7 PM, I went online, and then suddenly my friend Barbie/Barbiepwet told me about this girl who got featured on the 2bU section in Inquirer, the local newspaper. So I asked her for the girl's Flickr page, and then boom. Ayun na. I started getting inspired. She told me that she thought of me while she read the article, the article being about a photographer and all.

Check out Tricia Gosingtian HERE

Checking out her artwork would be the best possible way to convey what I want to say, since you will be thinking that she's so freaking cool anyway.

And then starting from there, like I usually do, I jumped from one page to another, landed on Tricia's deviant art and on her model friend/cosplayer Alodia's devart page. Alodia played Lili (as in Tekken 5 Lili) on one cosplay convention(ATA), and it was so freaking insane. Ang galing!!!

Hahah. See, I may not enjoy Japanese food so much (the seafood stuff anyways. I need breaking in) but the culture. Oh, the culture. And Japan itself!!! AHHHH!!!

I should dab at Japanese music sometime. :-)) The only Japanese person I listen to is Utada Hikaru, and I only genuinely like one song from her. Which is Easy Breezy. :-))

Anyways, continuing Barbie and I's conversation long after our fishtalks with Angeli/Gabby, she told me stuff that made me feel good. Alam mo yun, taking pictures and stuff. I love my friends, because they tell me good stuff. And the bad stuff as well, which makes them real great. They support whatever I want to do...and we always end up having a good time.

So I dropped by the website of one of my favorite photographers (and people) in the whole universe. I can't mention her name. Nahihiya ako. :-)) Why? Secret. HAHA. The whole thing is so bloody complex (Ahhh, I love Angeli's wordplay), it's a complete waste of time.

And then here comes JP, one of my friends that hasn't actually been my classmate. He called me the coolest geek ever! Oh, I love it. Relish the geekiness, people. We are a rare breed. Not. My uncles over there at Billy Shakespeare-yo's land once said that in there, Geek is Chic, Nerd is Turd.

Oy, in na pala ako ngayon. HAHAH.

Must explore the preppy/geeky style. Sana lang may pera ako.

What inspired me the most today was the whole photography and Japanese thing. I don't know if I was born to be a professional photographer, although I do know somewhere down the road, I'll be armed with a camera always anyway.

Dollipoptart's photography looks so...well, fun! It has everything I like. Music, clothes, dressing up, conceptualizing... Haaaay. :-)

I just don't know how to do things you know? My friends and I attempted a photoshoot, and blast it, it was fun, but the results weren't very good. I do not blame the models, I blame the photographer. Who was me. :-)) The lighting,the make-up, the clothes!!!

A-Ha, may goal na ako ngayon. Number 1 on the list is the GORGEOUS Canon EOS 400D. I need to do research. But demmit pare, it's so mahal! 40,000 pesos.I mean I'm paying for a FREAKIN DSLR, but I don't know where I'll get money, now that we're having our house renovated and all the stuff on the side.

But it'll be so much fun if I DO have a DSLR. Never mind the school photog, I'll take the class pictures nalang! :-))

And the whole Japanese thing. Besides wanting to be lean and beautiful (Japanese women are very beautiful), their whole culture is so crazy, it kills. The manga, the anime!!! Oh, I've been craving for anime so much lately, I crashed at and just to watch anime. Not so crazy though, I still have a lot of stuff to do so I don't really have the time to load things. But manga comics, yeah I read them. I stopped at comic #2 of Genshiken, 'cause I got too tamad looking for the rest of them. And I got crazy about other books, so there.

And Japanese movies too. My favorite is SwingGirls. It's a lot of fun, really! :-)

And then the clothes, and the makeup! AHHHH. And the art. Oh, when I watch Miami Ink, I always look forward to the Japanese-inspired art that Chris Garver always does.

Obviously, I'm not a full-on crazed Japanese fan whatever yet. As usual, excuse ko ang time. And money. I'll be putting that down in my journal sometime. List down the coolest Japanese things and incorporate it in my personality. LOL.

My mum LOVES Japan. A lot. She even speaks Nippongo. Well not major Nippongo, probably 2nd grade Nippongo lang. She was tutored in her last company just to get by. HAHA. I remember her sitting at the dinner table with me, both of us studying, and then she'd have these flash cards with the kanji and katakana characters in them.

Although after I expressed to her my want to learn Nippongo, she said... "Mandarin nalang anak, China is the next Asian frontier."


As fascinated as I am about China, Mandarin is considerably harder than Nippongo. Although I figure it'll be nice to learn Mandarin. And a lot of fun too. Consider cursing in Mandarin, and no one will reprimand you for it. O, lupet diba? And somehow, their culture is different too. I just find Japan more fascinating. More colorful. Different.

Today is such an artsy and colorful day. I love it. Thank you to the people who inspired me. Ate Barbie, Angeli, JP and the photographers Dollpoptart (Tricia Gosingtiao) and her model Alodia. They're so much fun, they inspired me to explore my creative, whacked up side, which really really does exist, you know! Hindi lang masyadong evident.

Before the next 52 minutes pass by and June 7 dawns, consider me a renewed and inspired person. I've turned Japanese. (Right.)

Every day is a chance to be inspired and to inspire, diba?


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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

rewind. pause. delete.

That's why I'm so freaking scared.

I'm scared because I might lose my presence of mind, and come back to my old self. I'm scared that I might be so incredibly idiotic, it's a mild form of hara kiri. I'm scared of crashing, and burning, and those sleepless, dramatic, poetic, pathetic, emo nights.

I'm not that Vicky anymore. I've changed, even if it's not very evident. I can feel it,and I know myself. Better than anyone else. (Besides a select people. )

I'm less stupid. I'm more friendly. I try not to be mataray. I'm very conscious of my voice tone nowadays. I smile more. I share more. I'm more hyper. I admit my mistakes. I'm more understanding. I TRY to be quiet.

Pero maingay padin ako.

I'll do something about that.

I make mistakes. I was younger. I was stupid. I was overcome by some silly feeling, ok? I'm SORRY. I wasn't very conscious. I thought people didn't care. I don't even mention freaking names in my blog anymore. Except for my friends' names, but besides that, noooo!!!

And how I feel.

I try to keep how I feel to myself. Give or take a few friends. I've FREAKING LEARNED, damnit!!! hahahaha. The whole episode was so freaking sorry and awful, I wish I could rewind, pause and then delete the whole scene.

But of course, I can't. I won't want to. The whole thing was sorry, but I was happy about it din. If it didn't happen, many things would not have happened. Me and my mom? This close thing that we have? It was because of that. And I discovered so many things about myself, things I didn't even think that I was capable of. I questioned myself, and out of it I got many things. I cried my heart out, made sorry poems (although some of them were REALLY good. HAHAH. in my opinion, atleast), woke up the next day with the piggiest eyes of them all...

But you know what? After all is said and done, I'm happy it happened. I'm not happy things went down the hill, but what can you do, diba?

I'm happy I learned. I make mistakes, and I will. Pero ibang mistakes naman ngayon. Ittry ko naman yung ibang mistakes. Baduy na pag paulit-ulit. (nge.)

I'm sorry. And then Thank you.

Yun lang. Bow.


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Sunday, June 1, 2008

vicky doesn't want to go back to school.
Listening to:
Hold Me Down - Motion City Soundtrack


In a couple of days, we'll be having our usual orientation. I don't want to go. I don't want to start school yet. I'm just too happy and serene and over-all GREAT right now. I don't want to ruin it. No. Mommmyyyyy cry

I think this is the first time ever that I don't actually look forward to school. I've always looked forward to school, ever since I was a kid. I loved shopping for school supplies, I loved waiting for the list to come out to check if I'm still with the top kids. I relished the experience.

I've always loved school.

And with what I'm feeling right now, I'm scared that... I'm scared that how I'm perceiving things will ruin the whole 3rd year experience.

I'm not scared that I don't have anyone familiar with me. I've done that a whole lot of times, it doesn't even bother me anymore. I'm scared because...


Because I might fall again. Crashing and burning, bebe.


I saw someone I liked yesterday. I didn't realize that I liked him until I unexpectedly saw him and my heart fluttered a little bit.

Get that. Not massive, flying fluttering. Just a butterfly flutter.

I am happy. wink


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conquering the world:
one red dot at a time
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