Thursday, November 29, 2007

i don't know what i even want anymore.
Believe it or not, I've been thinking about this blog lately. Which is not what it seems, obviously since it has been 19 days since my latest post.

I wasn't like this before. Before, I'd be posting everyday. I once WANTED to have an hiatus (back in my old blog) for reasons only whacked-out minds could understand. I did have an hiatus, and it lasted...hm... a week?

I just want everything to be over...everything-wise. love-wise, SCHOOL-WISE, career-wise (ish). It surprises me how much I want things to be over.

Things I want to get over with:

See. That's a lot of stuff. And when these things are finally over with, they IMMEDIATELY pile us up with new stuff.

I miss my first year life. and section 16. :-(

I didn't know that second year could be so so tiring. I'm not even looking forward to school anymore. Well I guess you could explain that, since circumstances were different when we were in first year ahem. :-))

ANYWAYS.

I DO NOT WANT WHAT I WANT IN LIFE.

Una, everything was clear to me.

And now my spirits just HAD to be dampened. I don't know anymore.

I mean I guess I know that everything's not about the money, and I believe in the power of passion for what you're doing, but of course money has to matter. And then I'm not sure if the track that I'm taking will offer the kind of money that I need and want for the kind of lifestyle I'm living.

And then yesterday was too much. I mean so much nice things happened yesterday. Once again, we were named CHAMPIONS of wncaa for the cheering competition, and then 27 won the game against 23 (by 1 point, wudjubeliiieve??) and then we won the read-a-thon in the library. Haha. We really wanted the ice cream offered as price, didn't we? HAHA.

Wala lang. Yesterday was just so magulo and everything. I don't knooooow. I suck.

Thiis sucks major ass. And no one understands. I'm not blaming them. I can't even understand myself. I think I'd be one of the most understanding people I know, not to lift my own bangko or anything. WHAT HAHAHA. I don't know, it surprises me how I could understand the WEIRDEST and MEANEST things.

I was born to be a psychologist.

What.

:))

Oh. There's one thing I don't understand. Well not really a thing...more of a...whatever. Eh I wouldn't understand, I don't know ANYTHING. I'm like... wala. Down to zerrrrooo.

Vicky is obviously confused.

Peace&&Love nga lang.
It's my nyoo tagline. YEBOI. :))

***

Sorry I can't return your comments or whatever right now. I'm just too lazy. And tired. T_T And I probably can't say anything decent anyway. I'm like a RETARD right now.
at

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Saturday, November 10, 2007

classical music gives me the creeps.
Not in the bad way. Not in the good way either. I'm just weirded out by the fact that it could evoke so MUCH emotion without even using words. I'm just not used to it. I'm a lyric person.

I just downloaded Igor Stravinsky's The Firebird ballet...and...well it's like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. You can almost imagine what was going on during the performance. My mind was going..."Oh no, the firebird might get caught."I'm not saying that's the story of the ballet, it's just what went through my mind when I heard it. :))

[I learned about the Firebird from my DK Children's Encyclopedia, one of my all-time favorite books. Wala lang, it contains EVERYTHING. And up to now, I still find it fascinating.]

And how did my affinity with classic music start? (No wait, it hasn't even started yet. Has it?) Yeah well basically, we had to choose a topic for research in a class of ours (media instruction program). Initially, I chose Jackie O. as topic, but the library only had ONE book about her, and it turned out to be NO use at all. it SUCKED. Probably one of the worst books I have ever, ever read.

So I turned to music, my second option. After much editing and changing of questions, I arrived with Who are the most influential composers of the 19th to 20th century? Why were they famous? Ayun. Found a really interesting AND comprehensive (it's hard to find a comprehensive book when you're talking about classical music. they're all technical and stuff.) book, which ignited my interest with classic music, SPECIFICALLY music during the romantic era. I guess I was just curious if the songs were really what they were, as described in the book.

So far...I've got no songs yet. I still have to borrow the book I referred to.

But really, I should try classical music, since they're pretty instrumental. Like in some songs, the instrumental parts are the ones that make me cry. I don't cry easily, and when I really want to because I need to--if that even makes sense-- then I turn to my playlist of songs that are really...slit-my-wrists depressing. Not only the song, but the memory that goes with it. (pwe.)

Lalo na in Taking Back Sunday's New American Classic. Humahagulgol ako sa gitna. Tae. I mean, kahit ang ikli lang. ewan. T_T

This is embarrassing. HAHAH.

But really, I guess that the reason classical/instrumental music is so moving is that...well, it doesn't have any lyrics. Alam mo yun. No lyrics to distract you. It's fascinating if you think of it. How composers convert feelings, emotions, moods into notes that are only 12. Kind of like how writers convey so much stuff with so few words with letters na 26 lang. Pero you can form thousands, maybe even millions of words with those 26.

Plus, music is more fascinating. But I love music and literature. And art. But I have yet to appreciate art.

***
Also. I'm kind of having this rock,alternative,punk whatever withdrawal. HAHA.

Oh no. I'm listening to Buckcherry again. Porno star. Funny song. HAHAHA.

***

Speeeaaaking of art.

I went to this fair, and let's say it's about colleges from Australia, UK, Canada and New Zealand in one ballroom offering the service of their schools. There were presentations by the different countries. Of course I attended the one for UK, and I also wanted to attend the one for Australia, but it was for a later time, and we had to go home...ish.

It was a lot of fun. Going to this fair made me really excited about college.

And how is art related to this.

Well, when I was going through the different books, I inquired about their Arts and Design courses. Hahaha. Everything just felt right. It's like, wow, I'm really going to do graphics design? Am I nuts? How am i going to support my 6 kids. Sh*t. I have to find an eligible, rich dude like... NOW. LOL. How's that for feeling right.

I don't know, I was just going through the brochures and prospectuses and a rush of endorphins went right through me. Wala lang talaga. Maybe it's because my dream is coming true? Or is it really what I'm meant to do? 'Cause I'm kind of scared that I can't do it. It's not the failing. It's the wasting everything part. Wasting time, money. But maybe... if I become more optimistic about things...nothing will be a waste of anything. Hopefully, if I choose to drop the course my mum would feel the same way. HAHA.

College nga naman.

Anyways.

I'm still concerned about my career track. =))
at

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Monday, November 5, 2007

papasok na ulit si vicky bukas.
Listening to: False Pretense - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Apparently, their songs are pretty good, even if I swore off their song Your Guardian Angel after it broke my heart. WHAT?! :))

***

I told her already. You know, the Y O U person in my letter. So it really won't matter if I tell anyone else. Hahaha. Sooo at peace. Medyo pissed nung simula, till I expained everything. She thanked me for her letter (and the bluntness), and wondered if people really thought she was a silly b*tch. To which I replied, No. They just think you're silly and you're a bitch. Heheheehehehehehe. ΓΌ

The truth shall set you free. ;)

Ngek.

***

My lovelife is like a chess game, and I feel like I'm playing against God. And he's winning. T_T

To tell you the truth...

I don't know how to play chess. :))

***

I have to go to school tomorrow.

Please, Lord. Please. No. Not yet, I'm not yet ready. I have been traumatized for the past 3 weeks, and I still have to make Nicole his friendster layout. Please.

The past three weeks have been nothing but tests, tests and more tests. And projects. And homeworks. What guarantees that the next quarter will be easier?

I mean I don't even want to wake up at 5:30 in the morning.

And I just saw my friends last Saturday (ye. lab yoo girls.), and that's enough for atleast a couple of days. I mean, we have to miss each other, right? :))

Wala narin naman mamimiss sa school. T_T
at

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Sunday, November 4, 2007

an open letter...
... or a sock story. I'm debating on which one to put.

Ahwell, might as well go with the open letter first, since I thought of it first.

***

I've always planned on how I'm going to go about a post where I post an open letter. I've made countless, really BS-filled ones that just find their way to the bin. Pretty good, since I've been making written open letters to Daniel Radcliffe, Penn Badgely and whoever else is on my mind that day. :)) I once even made an open letter to my dog.

Never have I thought that I would make an open letter to this person (it's a SHE okay, so don't even think of getting your mind THERE.), and never will I have thought that my open letter would be this way.

Here goes nothing.

***

Dear y o u.

I've always wondered why you got everything. Wondered so much that I reached the point of thinking that universe gives everything to the people who least deserve it.

But now, I guess I know why.

You are a really brave person. And to me, it takes some time, some words, and a bucket load of tears to realize that.

Even before this whole shebang-thing happened, I've always envied you for the most obvious reasons. Now I envy you not only because of the concrete things that you possess, but the fact that even if you knew that 'they' wouldn't understand you--that we wouldn't understand you... the fact that you'd know that people would be thinking that you're a silly b*tch behind your back... you still did it. Because you know you'd be happy. And 'they' won't understand you. Probably won't ever will. 'They' won't understand you either. But they'll pretend that they do.

You're just waiting for some people who'd understand. Who'd listen.

But I don't think 'they' didn't listen. Which makes this whole letter BS, if that is true.

It's silly, really. How things aren't always what they seem. People won't really know what's going through your mind, unless you let them know. Most cases, they won't understand, and they'll fight the urge to react...maybe terrified of what more that you're going to say.

People hate dislike(you can never really hate someone, maybe dislike, but not hate. it's such a strong word) you now. And probably, behind closed doors, you worry. But you choose to appear not to care, because you figure that's the only way it'll drive them away. Maybe. Or maybe you appear not to care...because you really don't.

Now I understand.

That maybe before, everything seemed okay. Everything IS okay. Everything's alright. Pero I'd bet you had this nagging feeling. The nagging feeling. The nagging feeling that you have to come out. You have to come out of your shell. That you have to be who you really are. And with these people, it's hard to pretend. It doesn't mean that you don't love them, it's just that you're tired of pretending. Maybe they don't appreciate the real you? Maybe you're not comfortable showing who you really are, afraid that they'd judge you then and there. Even to the point of seeking other people's shoulders to cry on...because maybe they're just tired of hearing the same things...like a broken record.

It's like... from the outside, our planet's really beautiful. A beautiful, colorful thing amidst a mass of gases and whatnots. Beautiful, with the idea of having living things in it.

Pero you have to get in, and yes, you see the beauty...but you have to see the ugly either. And I guess being an optimistic person, I just hate seeing the ugly part. Just focus on the beauty.

Different perspectives form different opinions.

So maybe you're not that brave, leaving things unsaid. But from where I am right now, you'd be atleast 500 km. from the finish line, and i haven't even started running yet. I can't even put your name in the dear part. I can't even put any hard evidence on your identity.

We've both got a long way to go. We've both got ourselves to find.

Maybe what I'm thinking of is wrong.

But writing all this, sure beats the hell out of sorting our sock drawer to clear my mind.

Hats off to you pal.

From M E.
at

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Thursday, November 1, 2007

the post where i express my adoration of judy ann santos.

It's not that I just noticed, but heck, Judy Ann Santos has really, really slimmed down. I'm amazed. Idol na kita, pare. I mean look at her, she's practically blossomed into a woman. And I really admire the fact that she spent 20 years in showbix without a single scandal. She didn't join any reality TV Show. She worked hard and look at what she's got. I admire her down-to-earth attitude, the "humility vibes" around her. I mean, I saw her in Westgate before, in that-cafe-whose-name-i-forgot, [CCC cafe? Basta it starts with a C. HAHAH. Puro initials lang.], and really she was like, pretty dressed down, pretty modest. Cargo pants and shirt, if my memory serves me right. Unlike some of the other stars that I see frequently. Hindi nga ganung sikat tapos grabe magdamit. Hello, mall lang. :))
Chaka she's the perfect example of a Filipina. Hindi mestiza, hindi chinita. Talagang Pinay. And she's not super-skinny. Sexy. Yeehes naman. :))
Chaka gwapo si Ryan, kaya... yun. :)
***
Spent the day cleaning. I was assigned to the task of organizing all CDs in this home, which I thought initially, was pretty hard. Hindi naman masyado, since most of the CDs were my mum's, and they could easily be sorted out.
Cleaning really relaxes me in ways I cannot fathom. 'Cause while cleaning, I don't really think of anything else... just what I'm cleaning for the moment. The things that I have to organize. Those that need labelling. :))
I could be a neatfreak, but sometimes, when laziness paralyzes my whole body, I just let things be. When the moment comes when I need some calming down, edi I clean. :))
***
After spending the day cleaning, I went with my mum to the salon for threading, since if I don't get any threading, I might actually be a hypocrite (long story.). Grabe, little did I know that my mum had to have so much things done to her hair! 4 hours all in all, when we finished, SM was almost closing down.
Sale kasi today, and there are REALLY NO PEOPLE (that is, by SM standards). I mean, a sale day without ANY people? WOW. HAHAHA.
So I grabbed my chance to go around. Badtrip nga lang, since mummy was in the salon the whole day, I only nabbed a pair of heels, which was something I immediately wanted, since it was 50% off and it looked nice on me. From Bayo. So yeah. But I'm setting my sights on going back there before November 4... Kasi astig pag sale sa Bayo.
at

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